Active Meditation

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

-Dune

I’ve Wanted To Say This For A Long Time

Normally, when I post on this commonplace blog, I put up a random quote or image that corresponds to how I’m feeling at that particular moment. Lately, I find that there are no quotes which truly connect with how I feel; no picture ripped from 4chan or the google image-search which matches the sheer fatigue I find myself struggling against lately. And you can call me emo, you can say I’m feeling sorry for myself, you can even laugh if you wish.

When I was a boy, I read fantasy novels, watched movies of the same genre, and from them, I learned a polarized set of values, which I carried into adulthood. Stupid as it sounds, the oath I’ve repeated to myself when no one can hear me is taken verbatim from a film called Dragonheart(I’ll pause for just a moment, to give you a moment for laughter): “Call when you need of me. Ask what you will of me. My sword, my service, are yours.” I’ve never liked guns anyway.

I’ve also never been able to hold onto the people I love, no matter how hard I try. No matter how I push myself to change the outcome, no matter how hard I shut my eyes tight and pray—yes, I pray, selfishly and for my own purposes—I watch as time or circumstance stretch and rip those cords.

I wish this world didn’t have expectations for me, formed and nurtured since before I was born, when my mother kept me secret from my father, nestled in her womb; Rhea returned to walk among mortals, she was. And I, little Zeus. Hah!

Would that the conduct of a man not be judged by the fortitude he shows adversity, but by the intentions in his heart. It is far too easy to let a heart turn to stone, to become the cold cynic, or to abuse a shared trust. I have loved those who set themselves at my back and front, then turned inward to face each other through me. And, inevitably, I am asked to choose between their opposing views. I am told that my decision entails following one particular path, requires moving further away from yet more people I am fond of.  My parents, or my education? The job I hope to one day have, or public opinion? Indulge my own desires, or hold to honor? Questions that took something out of me as payment for the answers, some of which echo in my head long after I’ve made my decision.

I never took credit for my quote, self-published through this blog in mid-September: “We judge ourselves through the eyes of the people we keep close to our hearts.” Someone else might have said something similar; in fact, I’m sure the sentiment didn’t originate with me. Nevertheless, that belief is the fulcrum upon which my self-worth is determined.

I know this philosophy is wrong, yet I hold to it; perhaps out of habit, perhaps as a method of ascertaining the wisdom of my decisions when made under duress.

Let me say it honest. Let me say it unreservedly. Then, let it be forgotten that I said it at all: I love my friends dearly, and though, by nature, I am not a man known for physical gestures of affection, there are moments when I simply want to hold them tightly and not let go, lest it be the last chance I have to speak and act openly.

In the quiet moments of the night, before I fall asleep, I sometimes hope that as I dream, my body will become motes of light, each containing all my thoughts and feelings for different friends and family. Those wisps would fly to and become one with their true owners, who would then be able to see themselves as I did.

How silly a thought.

A Few of My Favorites

I’m King James, Bitch!

Man In Black Tribute

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I Like Cats. ‘Nuff Said

…To The East Side…

If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time

-Chinese Proverb

One More Day Forward

The Killers-For Reasons Unknown

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I cock my stride. *
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don’t see you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don’t see you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you at all.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

I said my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

Philology 101

“American English is essentially English after having been wiped off with a dirty sponge.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien

Struggles Lost and Won

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for.”

-Paulo Coelho